Thoughts about Parenting Older Kids

A few thoughts from a mom who recently sent both of her kids off to college:

How you respond to their mistakes matters! If they feel safe coming to you with the little things, they will be able to come to you with the big ones. Try not to overreact (And try to control your face).

Limit the lectures. Every event doesn't need to be a "teaching moment."

Listen.

Encourage them to share their opinions; and when they do, ask them to "tell you more” without interjecting. When they ask you for advice, instead of offering it too quickly, ask them what they think.

Talk about all the stuff, especially the embarrassing things. There are no dumb questions. No subject is off limits.

Focus on the relationship. This will pay huge dividends.

Try to remember what it is like to be a young person. Mistakes and missteps are all part of growing up. And our kids aren't growing up in the world we grew up in. Beware of using any sentence that begins with “Back in my day…”

Embrace their music, TV shows, silly Tik Tok videos. Don't criticize their interests.

Take the trip. Go somewhere and do something they love.

If they feel peer-pressured, tell them to use their parents as an "out." Like, "I can’t do that. No way. My mom & dad would kill me."

When they come into your room after hours—let them in. This is usually when they are ready to talk.

Try not to take their moody behavior and sometimes poor delivery personally. It means you are their safe place.

Get to know their friends. Always have lots of snacks on hand.

Have a safe word. If they need to be picked up from a sleep over or party, they know to call or text you. Make a promise that you will pick them up from anywhere (no questions asked) if they do not feel safe: NO MATTER WHAT!

Trust your gut. If something feels off, it probably is.

Let them problem solve. Avoid fixing it for them. They need to learn that they are capable, and that knowing usually comes from trial and error. This one can be hard, but is necessary.

Finally, make sure they know you love them for who they are, and not what they do or accomplish.

Cherish this time while they are still under your roof—sleeping in their messy rooms—because this season goes so fast!